I won't let you go
by Vientodiosa
Summary: Mike is getting released from the hospital and has the weekend to fight back recurring thoughts, that are leading to his panic attacks, to be ready getting back to work on Monday. Set after 1x10
1. Chapter 1

Note: In case it's not obvious: The first chapter plays on Friday, the second on Saturday, third on Sunday, and the fourth one is on Monday morning. Since we don't really know (and I doubt he's going back to NY every evening), I decided that Ryan's room in the hotel is across from Mike's. Set after 1x10

Disclaimer: Characters belong to The Following

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**I won't let you go**

**Chapter 1: **

A few weeks were gone since he had been beaten up by Joe's people. Nothing really interesting happened since then. Ryan and Parker visited him every now and then, but they never stayed long or told him anything about the case. They just came to make sure he was ok. He couldn't blame them. There was nothing he could have done to help them to find Carroll and his followers while he was in the hospital. And when he was honest, he needed the little time out that was given to him to recharge his batteries, but the convalescence period was over soon. He would be officially released today and back at work on Monday.

The doctor paid a final courtesy visit and told Mike to take it slow at least in the first week. Mike just cracked a little smile. There was just no way he wouldn't do everything he could to help Ryan even if it meant coming back to the hospital quickly. Mike packed his bag and wondered if anyone would come and pick him up, but from the morning newspaper he already knew Carroll had found and taken Claire so he figured everyone was too busy solving the bureaucratic disaster at the moment. It wasn't ideal, but he understood - the job will always rank first.

He ambled down the hall. He never liked hospitals. They smelled weird and they made it terribly clear that no one is invulnerable no matter how well trained they were or how wealthy they are. With every step he came closer to the exit he wished someone would have taken the time to pick him up. He had this feeling of being watched again - being followed, and it freaked him out. His mind made up a couple of worst case scenarios, that quickened his heartbeat and letting him hurry to his car which was outside at the parking lot from the hospital." He felt like he was getting a panic attack.

He made it home to the hotel, somehow without causing a crash. Always watching his back, checking the license plate of every car around him and having his gun close at hand. He was convinced he should probably get a psychiatrist. He looked around before he got out of his car. No one was there, not one single person or car. It looked like everyone was at work. He got out of the car and walked quickly upstairs to his room, not without looking around, making sure no one was following him, the whole time.

When he reached his door he paused for a moment. He remembered what had happened last time. He had thought he would be safe inside but instead he found Charlie and Louise waiting for him when he turned around from the door. He suddenly couldn't move anymore, the memory paralyzed him and he started shaking even worst due to his panic attack getting worst, which lead to him dropping his keys. Before he could pick them up again, he could feel a hand on his shoulders and hear a familiar voice at the same time - preventing him from getting a heart attack at last. "Don't worry Mike, it's normal to be freaked out the first time after everything."

Ryan picked up Mike's keys and opened the door. The room was fully restored. Nothing reminded of the fight Mike had with Charlie and Louise before they took him down to the ship yard. Ryan closed the door behind them, while Mike put his bag on a chair and looked around. "If it's too much, I'm sure you can get another room ... or hotel. Everyone would understand." Mike shook his head. "Nah, it's alright. I have to live with it sooner or later right? Better start getting used to it before I have to get back to work on Monday." he looked over to Ryan, who was standing in front of the door, and gave him an encouraging smile.

It looked like Ryan felt bad for him, but it didn't bother Mike, he felt safe with Ryan around. His panic attack stopped the moment he felt Ryan's hand on his shoulder and heard his voice. So seeing a little pity in Ryan's eyes for the moment was something he could deal with, if it meant he would stay with him a little longer, before Ryan had to head back to work.

"Thank you. I know you have probably better things to do right now. More ...important things than looking after me." Ryan waved of one of his hands. For him Mike was being ridiculous. There was nothing more important for him, now that Claire was lost to Joe, and Tyson in the hospital, than making sure that Mike was safe and sound and not going anywhere he couldn't follow.

Ryan walked over to him, putting his hands on Mike's shoulders and looking him in the eyes. "You're just as important to me as Claire." he hold his thoughts for a moment, progressing what he just admitted. Was Mike really just as important to him as Claire? He loved Claire, he probably always did and will, but the thought of losing Mike again broke him just as much as Claire, and he would do everything to prevent it from happening ever again. Not to forget work wasn't the same without him being around. Ryan couldn't concentrate without Mike there. He easily lost his thoughts when he saw a picture of Claire or got reminded of what happened to Mike, and now also Tyson.

"They got her and you're right. The BAU is getting nuts and everyone there is working twice as much as before. But do you really think I will let you out of my sight again, knowing you wouldn't stay put even if I would beg you to do it?" Mike wanted to interrupt Ryan. Telling him it wasn't his fault that they had got him the last time or Claire now, but Ryan got there first. "I know it's not my fault Mike, but I can't help to think it is. If it wasn't for me you wouldn't have gone home early that day... all by yourself." Ryan's grip on Mike's shoulders tightened when he remembered saving him in the nick of time. His eyes wandered to the ground for a moment and when they came back to face Mike's again they were slightly watery. "I won't let you go again Mike. I can't bear to lose you and almost dying again. I need you. I need you to finish this case with me. You're the only partner I have and the only one I want with me on this case. So don't you ever think you're not important enough to me again!"

Mike didn't know what to say - so he just nodded. Ryan looked at his watch and ruffled his hair while looking around. "I'm sorry, but I have to get back to work. If you need anything just call me ok?" Mike felt his panic slowly rising up again, but he wanted to be strong. Not just for Ryan but for himself. He needed to be - for both of them.

"Yeah, of course. Don't worry I'll be fine." Mike followed Ryan to the door and when Ryan stood outside he turned back to Mike one last time. "They told me to take the weekend off to process what happened with Claire and Tyson, to clear my head. If you need anything... don't hesitate to come to my room and talk to me." Mike nodded, when he saw how serious Ryan was about this. He was glad and thankful that Ryan worried so much about him, and he felt honored that Ryan had allowed him to help him in return. "You too. You know... telling me if you need something." Ryan cracked a smile and walked down the aisle. When he was out of Mike's sight, Mike closed his door and locked it.

The panic in him rose again, he started shaking slightly and his heartbeat went up again. He walked over to the window and saw Ryan pulling out of the parking space a few minutes later. He knew his mind was playing tricks on him, but he heard everything twice as loud without knowing where the sound came from at first or if there truly was something. "Only ten hours 'til he's off and back at the hotel, Mike. Don't freak out. No one's here and no one will come."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: **

Mike didn't sleep much after Ryan left for work again, even though he was exhausted. He watched the news and ate some crackers he found in the mini-bar. He wanted to sleep, but without Ryan there he felt restless. He looked through the window and out of the door every time he heard something to be sure it wasn't one of Joe's people again, anxious not to be seen by anyone while doing so. A few times he thought about calling Ryan, but even though Ryan had told him he could call if he would need anything, he didn't.

Of course he picked up his phone a few times, and sometimes he even dialed Ryan's number, just to realize how ridiculous the situation was and then he throw his phone back on the bed again. What was he supposed to say anyway? He didn't wanted to sound like a little child who was afraid of being alone at home. Mike tried to distract his mind to ease his hallucinations. When he heard Ryan coming back to his room across the hall in the late evening he was finally able to give in to his exhaustion and find some sleep. When he woke up again, he wandered around just to discover that it was in the middle of the night and he had only slept one hour. So he tried to sleep a few hours more, but with even the slightest sound there was in the room he woke up again. At 8am he gave up and searched for something to eat. Unfortunately there wasn't anything else left than two more crackers.

Mike sat down on his bed again, balancing if he should wait a few more hours against waking Ryan up to ask him if he would like to have breakfast with him. He was thinking about going alone, but just the thought of it started shaking his body again - he simply wasn't ready yet and since he had time until Monday he figured he could deal with his panic attacks later. His stomach rumbled, making his decision for him and after he took a shower, picked up his jacket, and listened for anything on the door he walked over to Ryan's.

Just when he was about to knock he paused for a moment. He thought about every possible reaction Ryan could have until he heard footsteps. His panic took control again and he knocked quit vigorous, not thinking clearly anymore.

It didn't took long for Ryan to open the door, the heavy knocking on his door didn't leave much time to wake up slowly and realizing what was happening. "What the ...Mike?" Named man walked past Ryan into the room, trying to calm himself down again by blocking his ears and repeatedly saying "There is no one there. It's just in your head. Stop freaking out!" Ryan closed the door, he was still a little sleepy, but Mike's behavior confused him enough to get his brain running without his morning slug of vodka.

Ryan walked over to Mike and took his hands from his ears. "What's wrong?" Ryan's touch broke Mike's panic once again and he finally looked at him, noticing Ryan's sleepy eyes, shaggy hair and that he was only dressed in black shorts and a white t-shirt. Mike mumbled something Ryan didn't understood, but since he looked incredible embarrassed while saying whatever he was saying, Ryan just told him to make himself comfortable and walked head scratching into the bathroom to get himself dressed.

When Ryan came back into the room, Mike sat on a chair near the window, still looking slightly embarrassed, but no sign of his earlier panic attack. "So what are we going to do at 8.30 in the morning on a Saturday?" he raised his eyebrows and smiled to Mike who answered something along the words "sorry", "didn't meant to wake you", "panicked a little" and "breakfast".

Ryan put one of his hands on Mike's shoulder again and asked him for his keys. Mike was glad he offered to drive. His mind still went off too easy, so he handed them over to him without further ado. When Ryan was about to take his hand away, to walk towards the door, Mike stopped him by putting his hand on top of Ryan's that was resting on his shoulder. He didn't say anything, only looked into Ryan's incredible blue eyes, but Ryan knew what he wanted to say. So he smiled and after him saying "Come on. You'll feel better when you have something under your belt." they left the room.

They searched an hour for a place to have breakfast, but every time they found one, Mike looked at the people inside like every single one of them was there to kill or kidnap him. Ryan couldn't imagine how Mike would be ready for work by Monday, when something as simple as getting breakfast proved to be so extremely difficult, but he had sympathy for him and decided he would just get something and they would go somewhere without people for now. They had the whole weekend to get Mike back on track and Ryan figured they could start off slowly. Nevertheless Mike distracted him enough to forget about his guilt of losing Claire and getting Tyson in the middle of this, and he was thankful for that.

They had their coffee and bagels on a deserted place at the river, sitting on a bench near the water. Mike tried his best not to look around all the time and giving in to his head going off again. He didn't managed to do so the whole time, but for the most of it and it gave him the confident that he would be ready for work until Monday if he would refine himself hard enough.

Ryan made sure to get Mike slowly under people again, without him noticing at first. Half of the day they spent at less crowded places, but in the evening they actually managed to go into the hotel bar and have a couple of drinks.

And yet Mike wouldn't be Mike if he wouldn't have asked Ryan to get him back on track on the case during the day. After Ryan brought him up to speed and told him about Claire and Tyson, they thought about were Carroll could be hiding, how many people might be involved by now and what their next step might be. Ryan was glad to have him back. Mike was the only one with insight on the matter like he did. He didn't need to explain everything in order for him to understand, Mike was able to complete and expand his thoughts on his own.

Mike felt almost like his old self again. He spotted some details in the case others overlooked or didn't consider as important and got them an idea were to start digging on Monday. He was eager to start working on the spot, but Ryan got more and more sloshed. Mike wasn't really sober himself when the bar closed, but he was the one helping Ryan walk upstairs and the one that would remember everything Ryan told him about his past including Claire, Tyson and Molly when he got chatty.

"Good thing none of our superiors are staying in this hotel." Ryan laughed while raising his eyebrows the way only he can and patted Mike's shoulder with the arm that was around Mike's neck, while Mike's was around Ryan's waist to keep him steady. It took them quite a while to get upstairs and to unlock the door. They were both surprised they didn't wake anyone else on the floor. After all it was the middle of the night and they gained a level where they weren't able to be too quiet anymore.

Ryan staggered to his bed as soon as he saw it, mumbling "You don't need to help me, I know how to walk." Mike watched him amused after he closed the door behind him and added "I'm not sure this would pass as walking." just to earn one of Ryan's famous disapproving looks after Ryan fell onto his bed and looked back up to him. Mike held up his hands in defense, no one could win against sassy Ryan even if he was sloshed, but Ryan just kept on starring at him not moving at all.

Mike marked time, the thought of going over to his own room to sleep let his head make up crazy stuff again. "You're about to panic again?" Mike looked confused to Ryan, who did his best to sit up straight without nutating too much. Not understanding what he was referring to at first Mike started talking. "I don't... it's just..." Mike hold his thoughts. What was he supposed to say? That he was scared of being alone again no matter how much he tried not to, even though he felt much better for the last few hours and forgot what happened for the time? He felt ridiculous and embarrassed. They made already fun enough of him for being the second youngest agent in the BAU, behaving like a scared little boy wouldn't help that at all.

Ryan patted the mattress beside him, giving Mike the hint to sit down and he did after he hesitated a second. He saw how embarrassed Mike felt about it, but he didn't judge him he simply understood. It was hard, Mike had never been in this situation, it was completely new to him and his mind was working against him, there was nothing Mike could have done to stop it.

He put one arm around his buddy, which caused Ryan his balance and he ended up leaning against Mike's side as well. "How about you sleep here tonight and we overcome the issue tomorrow together? Mike looked at him relieved and thankful, so Ryan added "...when we're both sober again ...or when I'm sober again." to lighten the mood and smiled silly at him.

Sleeping on the same bed proved to be harder than expected. The hotel beds weren't really large and Ryan and Mike ended up densely packed. Mike in the spot between the wall and Ryan, not really able to move at all, while Ryan fall asleep quickly, lying on his stomach with one arm hanging over the edge of the bed just like his feet since he didn't bother to really lie down, his torso just fell over and he let his head find the pillow which he also started to hug with his other arm.

Mike couldn't sleep most of the time. It wasn't as much because of noises from outside or the room itself rather than Ryan's presence, which made him nervous. Ryan always slightly did, especially on Ryan's first day. Mike wanted to impress him, he idolized this man for years and tried to become a good agent like him, but this time it was different. He turned his head to look at the back of Ryan's head since he was faced away from him and watched him sleep peacefully. The memories of his incident came back, how Ryan had waited with him and had him in his arms, clutching onto him. It was like Ryan was afraid that if he would let him go he would lose him for good. He remembered how safe he felt in his embrace, so safe that he fell asleep even though Ryan told him to stay with him.

Mike moved to lay on his side when he heard Ryan mumbling Claire's name. Ryan seemed to have a bad dream. He started mumbling more and more things and started sweating slightly, but when Mike put his hand on Ryan's back it somehow accomplished to calm him down, which brought up a little smile on Mike's face. After all he wasn't that useless and with this thought he finally managed to fall asleep, his head falling onto Ryan's shoulder and his arm still resting on Ryan's back.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter specific note: Mention of blood and stabbing, also a more detailed panic attack happening.

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**Chapter 3:**

Ryan woke up close to 12 o'clock on Sunday morning. He saw the sunlight brightening the room. He had moved over night and was now facing the rest of the room with his whole body while completely lying on the bed. When he tried to get up he became aware of Mike's arm resting over him and Mike slightly cuddled up on his back, still asleep. He looked over his shoulder down on his partner's face. He cracked a little smile and couldn't stop himself from thinking how adorable he looked.

He watched Mike sleep for another ten minutes, lost in his own thoughts. He never thought he would let anyone else ever get close to him again, but somehow he became quite fond of Mike. He was one of those extremely likeable guys and he had his way to get Ryan to open up to him.

Sometimes it scared Ryan how close they became in such a short period of time. He tried to keep some distance between them, then every time Mike got hurt Ryan got reminded of his family's death curse and the last events proved it to him once again. But he wasn't capable of pushing him away anymore. Mike didn't let him just like Tyson never did, and if Ryan would have been honest he was glad Mike was so stubborn - just like himself.

Somehow Ryan managed to get up, taking a shower and getting dressed without waking up Mike. "That guy sleeps like a log" he thought to himself with a smile when he was looking down at him. Seeing him peaceful like this made it hard to believe that he still suffered from panic attacks from time to time, which reminded him of today's task: Getting Mike's panic attacks under control if not curing it completely. Ryan didn't wanted to think about what could happen if Mike would get a panic attack during duty. The thought of it made him sick already.

Ryan considered how he should wake up his partner. Gently or testing how fast he would still freak out with the gloves off. He came to the conclusion that the second option was the more fun for him to do and gave him survey how much work they would have to do today to get him ready. So without further ado he slammed the bathroom door shut and watched what happened.

He didn't even have to wait a second for Mike to sat bolt upright on the bed, having an irregular tachycardia heartbeat and looking around like someone was going to kill him. Ryan had to admit, it wasn't fun at all to watch and he regretted the decision profoundly. He sat down in front of him on the bed, embracing him and patting his back with one hand and holding his head with the other, trying to calm him down. "I'm sorry Mike. I didn't thought you would react like this." Mike was clutching onto him and was shaking so hard that Ryan had difficulties not to fall out of the bed with him. It was clear that this was one of the worst ideas he ever had.

It took Ryan twenty minutes to calm down Mike again. When he finally did, Mike backed away a little so that he could look Ryan in the eyes and said "Don't ever smash a door shut again when I'm asleep." Ryan didn't respond, he just stared into Mike's blue eyes who were still a little widened. Mike blushed slightly and Ryan didn't understand why since it wasn't the first time he stared at him. But when Mike broke away from Ryan's embrace, stood up what seemed to be slightly nervous and walked over to the door to get to his room across the hall, Ryan had to ask him if there was anything he wanted to tell him.

Mike's hand was on the door knob when he heard Ryan's question and he paused before he slowly turned around. Putting up a smile that tried more to convince himself than Ryan he answered: "No. Nothing at all." Ryan didn't believe him, but he let the matter rest. Mike finally opened the door and walked out of the room.

It was a good sign that Mike assured Ryan he didn't had one tiny freak-out when they met an hour later again outside the hotel. As little as the progress looked, it was huge for Mike considering the panic attack earlier and the few he had the day before. Mike felt confident that he would get them under control and cured faster than feared, especially with Ryan's help.

Ryan had learned from his earlier mistake, so he asked Mike if he wanted to go to the ship yard where he found him that day rather than simply taking him there. Mike thought twice about it, but he saw Ryan's reason behind it. If he was able to be down there again without having any issues, then there would be nothing that would freak him out easily again. Unless it was a dead dog of course.

They arrived about half an hour later. Mike was the one who was driving this time and even though everything went smoothly, he couldn't bring himself to open the door now that they had arrived at the ship yard. He just stared out of the windshield, looking at the spot where they took off whatever they put over his head to keep him from seeing where they took him.

Ryan looked at him, unsure if there was anything he could say to him that would get him to move. He decided to get out of the car and look around for a while. Giving Mike time to adjust seemed to be the best option right now.

Ryan came back after fifteen minutes. Mike was still in the car, he looked calm, but he still hadn't moved and was still staring at the same spot. It was time to push him a little Ryan decided and opened the driver's door. "Come on Mike. No one's here. I've checked." Mike still didn't move and Ryan thought he wasn't so calm after all, noticing that Mike appeared to be tensed. He put his hand on Mike's thigh and could feel his cramped muscles. Just like every touch from him seemed to have the effect of it snapped him out of his trance, and Ryan was able to look into his eyes when Mike turned his head to him.

It took him a few more seconds until Mike exhaled heavily and nodded. After Ryan stepped back a little Mike finally got out of the car. First step was done and even though it was the easiest of them Ryan was proud and showed it by patting Mike on the back, while walking towards the entrance with him.

Mike was calmer than he thought he would be as soon as he was outside the car. The thought of getting out of the car which prevented some sort of protection had paralyzed him. Ryan let him feel safe and even though this feeling wore off a little after Ryan's hand left his back again he still kept walking towards the entrance. And yet as soon as they were inside he started to look around like a trapped animal. He tried to be strong and keep his head under control, but with every step they came closer to the spot he got beat up and stabbed, his heartbeat speeded up and breathing became harder again.

When they arrived at the spot, Mike was breathing heavily and Ryan put his hand on his back again, but it was too late. Mike was shaking again, couldn't breathe anymore and out of a reflex he closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, he saw the room like it was before with Roderick and the others around him and Charlie already holding the knife in his hand ready for the last round.

"Keep breathing Mike, not a soul is here except for us. Nothing will happen." It didn't work. Mike stared apathetically in front of himself and got more and more memory snippets in his head - he was in the middle of another panic attack. Eyes wide open, turning paler with every second, breathing with great difficulty, trembling uncontrollably and hearing Roderick's voice in his head saying "Ding ding".

Ryan walked behind Mike and locked him in his arms, his head resting on Mike's. He continued talking. "Take a look around Mike. Really look. No one's here. You're safe." he spoke as quiet as he could without starting to whisper, trying to get Mike to focus on his calm voice. But Mike already got to the point in his memory where Charlie had stabbed him which let Mike groan with pain.

Ryan directed Mike's left hand on top of his stabbing wound, never letting his hand go or releasing his strong hold with his right arm on Mike's chest he continued talking to him. "You're not hurt anymore. You're healed. Really look Mike! There is no blood running out of your wound anymore! You're fine!" Ryan's raised voice induced Mike to blink and he looked down at his and Ryan's hand over his wound, while he clutched Ryan's arm on his chest with his free hand and paying attention to Ryan's breathing and heartbeat, his imagination of seeing blood dripping from his former wound reduced. He slowly regained control over his body and mind again. Mike looked around and the room became his actual state, without Roderick and the others in it. His heartbeat got back to normal after another few minutes and he finally stopped shaking.

Mike didn't let go of Ryan, he actually leaned back against Ryan's chest if it was even possible to get closer, to keep Ryan from releasing Mike from his embrace, but Ryan had no intentions on doing so at the moment. He even hold Mike tighter to show him he won't let him go.

They stood like this together for what seemed like an eternity. None of them wanted to lose the feeling that was gaining inside of them, but it was getting dark outside and Ryan knew there was one more step Mike needed to take to have control over his head again. Ryan patted Mike's chest with his hand that was already resting on it. "Do you think you can handle being here and walking out of here on your own?" Mike looked around the room for a moment. When he squeezed Ryan's arm on his chest he turned his head slightly to look at him and answered soft-spoken. "I think so."

Ryan searched for any sign of another panic attack in Mike's eyes, but he couldn't find one. "Alright." He squeezed Mike's left hand that was still in his and patted his chest again. "I'm right outside." He gave him a last encouraging smile before he left the building. He was convinced Mike could conquer his panic attacks now.

Mike took his time to really get a hold of his thoughts again. He walked around the room and kneeled down in front of what looked like dried blood - his blood. His hand started slightly shaking again when he touched it with his right hand and remembered the pain he felt when the knife was inside him, but Mike kept control of his thoughts. He looked up at the spot Roderick had stood most of the time when Charlie and he fought. "Roderick..." somehow that guy's face looked familiar to him, but he couldn't quite place it yet, but his mind started working on the case again and he tried to narrow places down where he might have seen Roderick before.

He lost track of time until he heard Ryan's voice again. "Are you alright?!" Mike looked up into Ryan's eyes. They looked concerned, but also relieved that Mike didn't die when he didn't came out or startled when Mike heard his voice out of a sudden again. Mike cracked a smile. "I think I have an idea of who Roderick might be. Someone I saw during my receive training looked like him. Maybe he's a cop." Ryan couldn't help himself and just nodded his head and raised his eyebrows while getting the look of approval on his face. "Could be, good thinking. We'll look into it tomorrow. Now let us get dinner somewhere."

Mike smiled. Getting something to eat was a good idea and now that Ryan mentioned it his stomach growled as well. He turned around one last time before he walked out of the building. He did it. He got control over his panic attacks and was able to think about work without anyone around him to distract him from paying attention to noises that might or might not be there. He maybe would still need a psychiatrist, but at least he was able to calm himself down enough to focus on his work. He watched Ryan getting into the car, smiling and thinking to himself that without him he couldn't have done it in this short amount of time.

They made it back to the hotel around 10pm. There was no reason to stay out later then necessary. They had to be brisk tomorrow, to get a hold of Joe soon and maybe figuring out if Roderick might be a cop somewhere. Mike already opened his door when Ryan walked over to him again.

"You're sure, you'll be fine?" Ryan put his hand on Mike's shoulder and looked him in the eyes, making sure he got the hint that it was no big deal if he needed to spent another night with him to avoid being alone. "Yeah. Don't worry, I'm good. What about you?" Ryan nodded and mumbled a very soft "Me too.", not knowing what Mike was referring to with his question when Mike apparently assumed Ryan might needed him to be there because of his nightmares which Ryan didn't remembered telling him about. When Ryan was about to take his hand off Mike's shoulder, Mike continued talking.

"Thank you, Ryan. For everything this weekend. I know you had a rough time as well and you still took care of me. I wasn't as much of a help as I wished I would have been for you." Before Ryan could respond Mike hugged him tightly and he couldn't help himself, but hug and squeeze him back.


	4. Chapter 4

This is the last chapter. Thank you all so much for reading and your comments. :)

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**Chapter 4:**

Neither of them fell asleep right away when they lay in their own bed. They both stared at the ceiling of their own room, thinking about the past few days and how the events brought them even closer together than the time before already managed to do.

Ryan didn't even think about sleeping. He couldn't. The whole weekend raised so many questions inside of him that needed to be answered so that he was able to get his focus back on the case and catch Joe Carroll. The whole mess in his head started on Friday when he told Mike that he was equally important to him as Claire. The whole day he couldn't concentrate anymore. He kept on asking himself why he said that and if he really meant it while repeating it quietly over and over again. He was so distracted that Donovan sent him on his short weekend vacation early. Instead of going back to the hotel to get some rest himself like he told Mike to do, he went to the next bar.

He spent the evening drinking and thinking more about Mike than Claire, Tyson and the case. And he had to admit his earlier conclusion that seeing Mike almost die had broken him was truthful. Every time he sat on Mike's bedside in the hospital he felt his heart aching. It hurt him so much seeing Mike injured and vulnerable like this, that sometimes when Mike was out for the count he reached for his hand and held it until someone came in or he noticed that Mike was about to wake up.

Maybe it was the amount of alcohol he had that evening, but somehow it was finally clear to him. He wasn't just concerned about Mike's well being when he hold him tightly in his embrace the night of the incident while waiting for the ambulance. He was afraid of losing him so he hold on to him as much as he could, and even though Mike was unconscious for the most part. Holding him and trying to be confident for both of them, Ryan kept telling himself that somehow Mike knew that he was still there and not going anywhere and that Mike would get through this if only Ryan hold him close enough. And somehow Ryan liked to believe that his presence was the reason that Mike stayed alive that night and had a fast recovery without any complications.

Mike lay awake in bed like every day since he woke up in the hospital. But for the first time, it wasn't because he was apprehensive, he simply kept on thinking about Ryan. He meant it when he thanked him for everything and when he said he wished he could have been a bigger help for Ryan as well.

Ryan told him about the nightmares he was having involving Claire and Joe's people when they concluded the evening on Saturday in the hotel bar even though Ryan was already too sloshed to remember he ever told Mike about them. Mike smiled when he remembered Ryan's confused facial expression when he asked him if he might need him to sleep in the same room again. Nevertheless Mike was glad the nightmares weren't as bad as he thought they would when he witnessed one of them late Saturday night. Ryan's description of them was due to the alcohol at that Saturday evening quite sloppy and still there weren't as horrifying as they could have been.

Ryan moved on his side. He didn't want to think about Mike lying in the hospital anymore. Mike was right next door safe and sound and free from major panic attacks by now. For a split second he remembered how he woke up that morning, Mike lying close to his back. He tried to stop his thoughts from wandering down that road but it was too late. Ryan got memory snippets of every time they were close this weekend. When he came to their last embrace before they said good night and agreed on driving to work together in the morning earlier, he couldn't help but notice the warm tingling feeling in his stomach that got more and more intense with every memory. He liked having Mike in his arms and holding him tightly. If he was honest he liked it even more than having Claire in his arms.

Ryan closed his eyes, trying to prevent further thoughts, but his mind took over control already and he spent the time until he finally fell asleep thinking about Mike. He wished he would have lied when Mike asked him if he was fine as well, so that they would spent the night in the same room again instead of separate ones.

Just like Ryan in the other room, Mike had moved to his side as well. Even though he felt bad for not being as much of a help that he wished he could have been for Ryan, he couldn't stop smiling every time he remembered the ministrations Ryan had for him this weekend. Their bond got obviously stronger, not just because they spent a night in the same bed, but because they saw each other at one of their most vulnerable states. Even though Ryan didn't know he had one of his nightmares in front of him, Mike had more than one panic attack in front of him and Ryan always calmed him down with a simple touch and later with an embrace. Ryan's embraces were something very special and dear to Mike. They made him feel safe. Now that he thought about them and saw every single one they shared rewind in his head again, he noticed that they sent a secure and tingling feeling down his stomach as well.

He couldn't deny it anymore he liked Ryan more than he was able to say out loud just yet. But those feelings he couldn't quite put into words increased with every little moment he gained. It was when he remembered that just like Ryan's touch, his own had the power to calm Ryan down during his nightmare, that he wished he would have lied when Ryan asked him if he was sure that he didn't needed to spent another night in the same room. In this moment Mike came to terms that he wanted to be even closer to Ryan that they already were. When Mike remembered Ryan's words "You're just as important to me as Claire." he got hope that maybe, just maybe those feelings gaining inside of him weren't meant to be doomed after all. With a smile on his face he finally fell asleep.

The period of grace was completely over when Mike's alarm clock went off on Monday morning. Like he knew it would be when he decided he should try to sleep in his own room, he was capable of sleeping through the whole night without any interruptions. Mike took a shower, got dressed and packed his bag.

He was ready to go back to work. When he got out of the hospital three days ago it seemed impossible, but with Ryan's help he did it. Ryan helped him more than he could ever fully thank him for. Mike still had the feeling of being followed or in danger every now and then for a second, but for the most part of it he was able to snap out of it immediately before his mind took over. Mike looked around his room once more, to make sure he didn't forget anything, before he took his keys and left.

He closed and locked his door and knocked on Ryan's, to pick him up for work just like they agreed to last night. It took Ryan ten minutes until he walked out onto the hall, locking his room and facing his partner for a brief moment while doing so. "You're ok?" Mike nodded. He had a feeling Ryan took so long to test if he was really ready and not because he might had a rough night himself again. For that he looked to relaxed and for the first time this weekend Mike noticed that Ryan didn't have one sip of vodka besides their visit in the bar. Even now Ryan looked completely sober and he couldn't smell a tiny trace of the liquid in his breath. Mike liked to think that it was thanks to him so he answered Ryan overly happy and proud. "Yes sir!"

Ryan finally turned to him and put his hand on Mike's shoulder. "Good. Glad to have you back." Mike leaned into Ryan's touch, he wanted more than just a hand of approval now that he was aware of the impact Ryan had on him and his feelings for the man. But Ryan spun around and walked towards the exit and Mike had to accept it. Mike knew Ryan was someone that had to do things on his terms. If he had another nightmare about Claire and what happened, he would come to him to talk. If he wanted to be closer to Mike again, he would give him the signs for it as well.

Outside, Mike caught up with Ryan already standing on his side of the car. They didn't talk on their ride to the bureau. Ryan was going through the morning paper, which he picked up on his way out to the car, and Mike kept his eyes on the road, trying not to smile like a lovesick fool whenever he remembered something from the weekend that included Ryan's solicitude.

It took Mike ten minutes to find a parking spot. No matter how early he thought they were, everyone else seemed to be even earlier today and no one spared a thought about their reserved spots. When he finally parked, Mike couldn't stop himself from saying "That's better because of a surprise welcome back party instead of another huge act from Carroll." out loud. "I wouldn't count on it." Mike knew Ryan would answer this or nothing at all, so he just smiled and was happy he broke the silence between them. After all, he had his ways to get Ryan to talk to him.

When Mike was about to open his door to get out of the car, Ryan hold him on his elbow with his left hand, dragging him back towards him. "You're sure you'll be ok?" Ryan looked at Mike a little worried and was searching for anything in Mike's eyes that would weather ease or prove his worries, but Mike just cracked a smile, trying to ignore the warm feeling that was spreading from the spot where Ryan hold his arm and answered him confident. "Don't worry, I'm fine. You helped a lot over the weekend - thank you again. There is nothing that can freak me out anymore." He knew he was probably exaggerating, but he wanted to start off the day as optimistic as possible.

"You're sure about that?" Mike nodded smiling and keeping himself from saying "Unless there are dead puppies involved.". Ryan bowed his head slightly and raised his eyebrows obviously trading off if he should play along or not.

If Ryan would have been honest he couldn't stand to put up this slightly cold behavior towards Mike anymore. When he woke up this morning Ryan thought it was a good idea, to keep some distance between them. The feelings he gained for Mike confused him a little, he just didn't know what to call it yet, but when Mike leaned into his touch this morning and he looked into Mike's eyes he got the wicked thought that maybe Mike felt the same way towards him.

Mike wasn't sure how to react. Ryan kept looking at him for almost ten minutes. He knew this look on his counterpart, but Mike still couldn't figure Ryan out completely unless Ryan let him look behind the surface. When Mike thought there was nothing coming and decided he could just go out of the car now before he got lost in his thoughts while staring in Ryan's eyes that were clearly debating something in his head, Ryan's right hand reached for his neck and after Ryan's thumb lightly brushed over Mike's cheek, he pulled him into a kiss. Knowing exactly what it was he was feeling for Mike the second their lips touched.

Mike was surprised at first, but while he started kissing him back he felt more and more overwhelmed and simply over the moon. After all this wasn't just someone, that was Ryan kissing him. The person he would have died for. The person he came aware of having feelings for that he couldn't quite put a name on until now. It was a gentle kiss and it sent sparks through Mike's body and like everything amazing that made Mike extremely happy it ended too soon.

"Ok then, let's go to work and hope for no dead puppies today!" And with that, a knowing wink that there will always be that one thing that will Mike freak out no matter what, and a gentle slap of the hand on Mike's cheek, Ryan left smiling the car and walked towards the entrance. Leaving his lovesick smiling partner behind in the car and knowing that he showed him more than perfectly that his heart didn't plan on letting Mike go any time soon if ever again.


End file.
